My First Love, Sex Addiction, and Castration
First love is beautiful, but I am almost forgetting that feeling. It is a feeling that makes my eyes moist when I think about it. For a child under the age of ten, the criteria are simple: good-looking and not too bad. Because of this simplicity, first love is always nearby, with classmates or someone from elementary school. This kind of liking is very pure, and every child has the hope of being loved and tastes the flavor of first love.
Of course, when we were children, our feelings for each other were pure. This kind of first love is just a kind of secret love, and it can only be that way. But that is enough. Children are always idealistic, and it is this idealism that makes their first love so charming. Regardless of height, weight, intelligence, or appearance, all children feel that they have found the person they will spend their lives with.
What did my first love look like? To be honest, my memories of middle school and before have become blurry, as if they have all merged into one person. I have forgotten their faces, but I can still feel them turning back and smiling at me. I always remember standing far behind them after school, watching them walk out of the school gate and disappear.
Some people may think that not pursuing love is cowardly, and I absolutely admit that I am a coward to the core.
In middle school, I knew nothing about sex. My classmates would talk about some explicit stories in the dormitory, but I didn't understand. Because of my ignorance of worldly knowledge, many people would mock me. Being introverted was a characteristic of my childhood. Adults thought I was stupid, and my classmates would occasionally bully me. For example, they would threaten to beat me on Friday nights. I felt that this was not right. The books and TV shows told us that this was wrong. So I grabbed onto this lifeline and told them that they couldn't do that. Perhaps my cowardice didn't say it to them, and they just thought I was a fool.
Later, when I was about to graduate from middle school, I accidentally touched my genitals and felt a sense of masturbation. It was then that I understood what they were talking about.
In order to avoid being laughed at, I realized that I needed to have a good understanding of sex so that people wouldn't think I was weird. I started asking others what "seeds" were. I was like a person thirsty for knowledge, constantly asking my classmates across from me. He was a repeater, so maybe he knew a lot. At that time, I had almost never touched a computer except for computer classes. As for going to an internet cafe, it was not a good place according to my family's education, so I never had the intention to go. Only a few times when my classmates dragged me there did I experience the atmosphere of a dark internet cafe.
As I wished, I became very knowledgeable about sex. I started to behave openly in front of my roommates. They all thought I was perverted, and I felt that was a reward for me. At the same time, the frequency of my masturbation increased.
At this point, my cowardice and introverted personality told me that there were some strange fluctuations in my heart. That feeling was difficult to resist, different from sex, it was the feeling of first love. I started to hate this feeling because it made me suffer.
Beauty, character, wealth, academic performance, intelligence... I am no longer the person who had first love. My standards for judging a partner have completely changed. I started to blur and adopt an ostrich policy, desperately hoping to castrate this uncontrollable affection from my heart. Whether it's Laozi or Buddhism... on a physiological level, I increasingly used masturbation to numb myself.
Everything went as planned. I became more and more cowardly and addicted to masturbation.
In the subsequent life, Xihano mentioned that the objective standard of love is appearance. I realized that love seemed to be beyond my reach. Appearance is the most important criterion for love, but not necessarily the most important indicator for marriage.
I no longer have any expectations for love and believe that marriage is not based on love.
I no longer reject ugly people as partners, even though I am ugly myself. Because in my opinion, marriage is a certain material foundation, a way for everyone to live a normal life. At this point, you don't have to hide from the gaze of the public and those around you, and you don't have to intensify the fear of aging and death because you don't have children.
At this point, the feeling of first love has completely disappeared, or rather, it has hidden deep in my heart. But there is still a slight longing for love in my heart.
Spirit and flesh, without physical beauty, is the meeting of souls something worth pursuing?
So, I started to chat online frantically, trying to find a soul that could lean on each other. With a lot of practice, I realized that souls do not need to lean on each other. If souls can lean on each other, then they are not true souls. What is it then? It is the dependence of material. The true dependence of souls exists in the subjective world, and the subjective world belongs only to myself. So, is it ridiculous to seek the meeting of souls?
When love has been proven impossible, the value of reproductive organs quickly depreciates.
Marriage may be a possible choice. At this point, marriage is completely based on utilitarian standards. Utilitarianism is the pursuit of maximizing benefits, whether personal or social. On one hand, it is a normal life, spending a lifetime passing on offspring. On the other hand, it is an abnormal life, enjoying a few decades of miserable death. We weigh the benefits before and after, which one should we choose? I believe everyone has their own answer. This answer is not important because it is just a matter of weighing benefits. What else is there to say?
When all possibilities have been denied by me, the only function left for my reproductive organs is masturbation. But sensory pleasure is difficult to sustain, especially when masturbation used to involve fantasies of love. After all these values have been stripped away, the only weak reason for this masturbation to exist is pleasure. Therefore, any other reasons, such as energy or hobbies, gradually fade away.
Now, the stage is the dullness after castration. Of course, I do not support activities such as removing the uterus or sterilization (in fact, from a criminal law perspective, it may constitute a crime of harm, but of course, opinions may vary, and there are viewpoints such as "the body is given by one's parents"). According to the utilitarian view, if these things can create value in the future and be justified by weighing benefits, why not do it?
Regarding the positive name of utilitarianism, everyone does not have to think that utilitarianism is very selfish. On the contrary, utilitarianism is just a tool for weighing benefits. In every transaction that we are being measured, we have already made value judgments from a moral or other perspective.
At this point, my first love, sex addiction, and castration have come to an end. It is another self-indulgent and nonsensical self-eulogy. I hope that when I am close to death, I can live in the grave I dug myself and then type my final obituary on the computer. Perhaps this is just a luxury.
As the saying goes, the friendship between gentlemen is as light as water. Through the question of the meeting of souls, I think Zhuangzi's words make sense.
Who can call for love, supporting each other, shedding heroic tears, it is better to forget each other in the world.
20230708 Night
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